Get Goose

I’m in love with those Sonic commercials. Have you seen them? They crack me up. I tracked some down on YouTube and just had a little happy party here in front of my computer. Hilarious stuff. Here’s one of my favorites: I have a mustache. I also like the one called “Denied,” but it’s not embeddable, so you’ll have to head to YouTube to see it. I guess someone else must really like it too—they built a game around it. Who knew tater tots would garner so much attention? You gotta love a tater tot. Deep-fried, grated potatoes. Very popular in elementary school cafeterias and sometimes hidden deep in the corners of my freezer. I haven’t had one from Sonic yet, but I’m putting it on my “Things I can eat after Boot Camp” list.

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I’m as busy as a one-legged man in ass-kicking contest.

Who? Me.

What? First day of Operation Boot Camp (aka Kick Your Ass Camp). A 30-day commitment to intense exercise and healthy eating…just shoot me.

When? This morning. 5:30am. It was still dark outside. Me and the raccoons, on our way to Boot Camp.

Where? A park near my house. Down-pouring rain. The “park” grounds are also home to a mental health facility and sewage plant. The perfect setting for my wild hysteria and pooping explosions, both brought on by incredible amounts of sit-ups, dips, push-ups, and running.

Why? Temporary insanity and a burning desire to run until my lungs explode.

How? God only knows how I made it through today. And I’m really hoping He has a plan for tomorrow too.

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A friend sent this to me via email. One of these questionnaire thingies that you fill out so that people can get to know you better…get to know “the real you.” I am so amazed that I actually completed it, I am posting it here for all to see.

1. Do you like blue cheese? Love it…especially in mashed potatoes
2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? A handful of times, but never more than a few puffs. Yuck.
3. Do you own a gun? Technically, yes. My husband owns them, but since we are married and live in the same house, I guess they are considered to be mine too. I am not a huge proponent of guns, or hunting for that matter.
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? Never add a thing. Straight up Diet Coke is all I get.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Not really.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? All-beef are pretty good. The ones that are ground up pig toes or whatever gross me out.
7. Favorite Christmas Song? Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Grande non-fat chai tea latte from Starbucks.
9. Can you do push ups? In my dreams, but I am starting boot camp on Monday, so watch out.
10. What is your favorite movie? It’s a toss up between Valley Girl, Pretty in Pink, and Sixteen Candles.
11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My engagement ring.
12. Favorite hobby? Reading.
13. Do you work with people who idolize you? Doubt it.
14. Do you have ADD? Nope, just full-blown OCD.
15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? My legs. My knees are nicknamed “The Cabbages.”
16. Middle name? Anne.
17. Name 3 thoughts at this moment. I’m tired, I can’t believe I am filling this thing out, I want a fudgicle.
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. A framed picture for a friend’s going away party, three black markers, a Diet Coke from Sonic.
19. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly. Chai tea, Ice picks (vodka and iced tea), Diet Coke…and water too.
20. Current worry right now? Work and finances are always on my mind.
21. Current hate right now? The belly fat I acquired after my pregnancy.
22. Favorite place to be? Pawleys Island.
23. How did you bring in the New Year? Eating, drinking, and being merry at a friend’s lake house.
24. Where would you like to go? To bed…and to Pawleys Island after that.
25. Name three people who will complete this. Not sure I will forward it on.
26. Who’s answer do you want to read the most? I’d actually love to see my friend “Pablo’s” answers!
27. What color shirt are you wearing? Green.
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No, I think they make me sweat.
29. Can you whistle? Not well.
30. Favorite color(s)? Blue.
31. Would you be a pirate? Not sure I’m cut out for life at sea…I have major motion sickness issues.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don’t really sing in the shower anymore. Maybe I need to start that up again.
33. Favorite girl’s name? Anna Greer.
34. Favorite boy’s name? Cawood Jackson.
35. What’s in your pocket right now? Fat rolls.
36. Last thing that made you laugh? My son’s giggle.
37. Best bed sheets as a child? No idea…dry ones?
38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Busted nose in the fifth grade…a girl on my softball team pitched a golf ball to another girl who hit it with an aluminum bat…that thing flew out and hit me in the nose at second base…knocked me out and knocked the bridge of my nose off…lovely.
39. Do you love where you live? Yep, but sometimes I wish we were a little closer to the beach.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 5…way too many…my husband is an addict.
41. Who is your loudest friend? Adrienne.
42. How many dogs do you have? Two: Ruga and Wilbur.
43. Does someone have a crush on you? Maybe my son.
44. What is your favorite book? Gosh, too many to list, and too many to choose from.
45. What is your favorite candy? Hot Tamales.
46. What is your favorite sports team? Yankees.
47. What song do you want played at your funeral? Something by Eva Cassidy or Allison Krauss.
48. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Listening to my husband snore.
49. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? I wish I could stay home and hang out with my son.

Let me begin this post with an email that my husband sent to me the other day:

Subject: FYI - Strange Animal

When I got up this morning to pee, I noticed a strange white animal outside our window (when I get up in the middle of the night, I always look out the window for burglars and animals). I am not sure what kind of beast this was because it was dark outside, with just a hint of moonlight. Anyway, it was probably that white Malamute we sometimes see, or maybe it was the White Sasquatch of Riverbend. Keep your eyes open. —Leonard Nimoy

So, I could go into this whole explanation about why my husband signs all of his emails with famous people’s names. But, I think it might be more important to instead focus on his infatuation with Sasquatch, otherwise known as Big Foot…but not to be confused with Yeti or Yowie or Skunk Ape. When I married the man, I had no idea this was a passion. And, believe it or not, I also have a childhood friend (I have known him for over 25 years), who is a Sasquatch fanatic, and I just discovered this about six months ago. Two people, very near and dear to me, with a burning curiosity for this ape-like, bipedal hominoid.

Apparently, my husband has read every article about the creature and has also watched every documentary. As a matter of fact, I am certain there are a handful of Sasquatch shows recorded on our DVR.

My husband is a true believer. I am a skeptic at best. However, I am not the one researching the thing every five minutes. There is actually a Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO). I probably need to spend some time on their website. Especially if the Big Foot has decided to take up residence in our backyard. Maybe I’ll dedicate a month to research him and then I’ll post again after I’m better informed. In the meantime, I think these Messin’ With Sasquatch commercials are worth the load time.

Oh, and by the way, Leonard Nimoy is indeed Commander Spock from Star Trek, but also hosted the quasi-documentary television show, “In Search Of…,” that portrayed unusual natural phenomena and investigated the paranormal. A show I have never seen and had never heard about until last night. Who had time for Leonard with “The Love Boat” at sea?

Think about all of the things scissors can do for you. They can cut a chicken breast into strips for a stir-fry; they can cut the bangs hanging in your eyeballs; they can cut that coupon for 40 extra rolls of toilet paper; and they can cut tags out of jeans, so that your husband never knows what size you really wear. Last weekend, scissors saved my life. My mom was here helping me get ready for my son’s baptism. She was pressing his outfit for the next day and noticed that the fabric was somewhat see-through. So, like any good mom would, she asked me if he would be wearing some sort of undergarment to hide his baby boobs and belly button. “Of course,” I responded, “I’m just going to put him in a white onesie.” Well, the next morning, I started digging through the dresser for that very onesie, and to my horror, discovered I only had onesies with long sleeves. Sure, there were plenty in there with short sleeves, but they all had “stuff” on the front. I actually considered one with the saying, “My mom is hot” scribed across the chest. Ha, the congregation would have gotten a kick out of that. Anyway, a trip to Babies “R” Us was completely out of the question, so I did the next best thing…I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut off the sleeves. Two quick snips, and I instantly turned his outfit into “a little bit country, a little bit rock-and-roll.” Hail to the scissors!

In honor of dandelions all over the world:

About as welcome as a fart in a telephone booth.

We have a pretty big yard…a little over an acre. It’s slowly coming around. When we bought our house a few years ago, the yard was non-existent. The supposed landscaping consisted of nine-foot Boxwoods growing into and on top of the house. We immediately ripped everything out and started from scratch. My husband has aerated and seeded the yard several times, and finally, this spring, it appears to be taking hold. I need to hobble our dogs, so that the digging frenzy ends. But, other than that, and barring some hideous drought this summer, we should have new grass to speak of. There’s just this one little issue that needs some attention. Dandelions. What the hell? They are persistent little suckers, aren’t they? And, wouldn’t you know that a Google search turns up very few ways to kill them. It actually suggests hand picking the things (the entire root included) as the best way to get rid of them! As if that’s really going to happen. Suddenly, the dandelion is like this endangered species or something. All of these websites urging people to save the dandelions: they’re delicious, they’re nutritious, they’re healing herbs. What?! They are weeds everybody. And, they propagate like rabbits, with those seeds flying all over the place. I am on my way to Lowe’s to find the dandelion death eater. I am on a mission. Dandelions beware.

My son was baptized on Sunday. He’s a very happy baby, so I was pretty confident he would be fine with the water, and the minister, and the congregation, and so on. We met with the minister beforehand and he told us that no matter what the baby did that day, there would be no negative spin about his behavior. If he was calm and quiet, people would say, “What a sweet baby.” If he squirmed and whined, people would say, “What a personality.” If he bawled his eyes out, people would say, “What energy he has.” No matter what happened, all would be good. And it was. He stared out at the congregation while his dad carried him and I held his hand. He looked so handsome in his little outfit (that quite possibly was cutting off the circulation in his chubby legs). When the minister anointed him with water, he just sat there as calm as a cucumber. As a matter of fact, he stared so intently at the minister (almost like he was totally getting what he was saying) that a wave of laughter rolled through the congregation. It truly was the perfect day.

Tonight is Thursday night…CSI night. I’m a forensic science freak. If I could do life all over again, I’d be knee deep in fingerprints and DNA. When I’m not watching CSI, I am all over truTV. When I’m not watching truTV, I’m tuned into A&E. And when I’m not watching A&E, I’m watching HGTV (yeah, yeah, I know, it’s not forensic science, but that House Hunters is so addictive). OK, so back to CSI. I only watch the one in Vegas. CSI: NY is missing something and Horatio, from CSI: Miami, makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. The CSI in Vegas is definitely the one to watch. I know I have the knack for it—for crime scene investigation. I spot dirty fingerprints on mirrors from miles away; I spy hair on our duvet cover and immediately identify it as belonging to the canine species; I uncover dust particles everywhere and carefully collect them for trace evidence. I was born with some CSI talent. Some people might call it OCD, but to me, it’s pure science.