Get Goose

Bathing suits and I have a love-hate relationship. I love them when I’m in shape and feeling good. And, they seem to love me too, at that point. On my honeymoon, I actually donned a string bikini. Maybe I was high on love, but I was feeling very Bo Derek-esque on that trip.

When I’m out-of-shape and feeling frumpy, however, the hate factor kicks into high gear. Today, I am not so much Bo Derek. I am more “mother of a nine-month-old, who had a C-section, nursed for seven months, and got thyroid disease somewhere in the mix.”

Yesterday, I tried on bathing suits…and today I started a lettuce and water diet.

Walking into the dressing room was challenge enough—coming to terms with the fact that I was about to squeeze my pastey-white curves into a tiny piece of Lycra. The actual act of doing it about put me over the edge. I went for the one-piece, as my mid-section has more rolls than a bakery right now. I chose a pattern that “accentuated the face” (according to the tag). What the tag didn’t say was that the suit would also accentuate my inner thigh area, simply because there was nothing to cover it. And, that the V-neckline would show-off my now pancake boobs (what did I think was going to happen with a 15-pound kid hanging off of my nipples for seven months?). I didn’t dare look at my hind-parts. God knows what kind of accentuating was going on back there.

Clearly, the bathing suit manufacturers need to go back to the origin of the word “suit.” A suit, my friends, covers the entire body!

Out of sheer necessity, I did leave the store with a bathing suit. My maternity suits are, thankfully, way too big and the Bo Derek bikini isn’t quite going to cut it this year. You’ll find me in the face-accentuating one-piece…and a lovely cover-up to go along with it.

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